It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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