I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
