the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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