It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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