Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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