I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
