fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
