It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
