I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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