A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Actions speak louder than pants.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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