Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
