well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
