i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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