i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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