I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
