Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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