When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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