I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The struggles of a small town man whore
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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