I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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