Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
