I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
