i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
