I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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