FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I will pee on everything he values.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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