when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize