Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
