this beer tastes like vomit already
I forgot how hot balto sounded
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
