He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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