Betty ford says i'm here all night
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
