So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
