Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I want a musical about memes.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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