Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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