Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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