bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
