You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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