he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
