when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
