So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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