My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize