What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
