look no pants
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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