He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize