I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
