oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
