Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
honey bunches of taint.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
