If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
