you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
