So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
