If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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