Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
