Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
