What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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