whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
