i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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