I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
