i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
