thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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