I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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