If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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