He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
