I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
