Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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