I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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