oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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