Did I show you my penis last night?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
