I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
