two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
