She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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